Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in dress_up_doll's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, July 27th, 2006
2:47 pm	What the christ It's like the week of the ex boyfriends contacting me. I don't know why, it's weird, and it has been a lot of different responses from really friendly "hey how are you doing" to really caustic assholes. Is it a fucking full moon or what. Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 25th, 2006
4:20 pm	Hooray. So like, stuff. Comic Con was lots of fun...I saw Elvira, Molly Ringwold, Ray Bradbury, Brian Posehn, Dita Von Teese, Billy West (Fry from Futurama what what), and Seth Green /swoon. I felt really creepy standing there touching myself to Seth Green or whatever so I didn't stay there long. I was so busy trying to find camera batteries that I forgot my camera like an idiot and don't have many pictures. Best Comic Con ever, though. I got a huge Giclee Futurama print 1/150 and it kicks your ass. I wish Jason could have been there with me, (I am missing him, now). Lots more happened but I don't feel like going into it cuz I'm lazy! Hooray! I got a new car, I will miss my poor 3000GT like crazy, she was my first baby, but I think my new one will help ease the pain. She is a yellow 2003 Mustang of some sort, I don't know, but she looks cool and she's fucking yellow. I'll be down for a couple weeks taking care of some stuff like doctor appointments and possibly getting braces for the third time (Oh God no) and trying to get back the money that was stolen from me when my debit card got hacked. :( I am also going to the crazy doctor to try to get on some new medication that will make me not so afraid of people and I think that would really help me out if it worked because it's been holding me back, man! If anyone wants to see me which I doubt, my cell phone is dead but you can email me or call on my parents home phone 760 630 4330. I think Ill try to go to Rocky on Friday. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 8th, 2006
8:42 am	Ugh So I was driving home from my parents house after the Italy trip when my car decided to die on the 5 in the second to fastest lane in the middle of Burbank. It was really awesome let me tell you, since my phone was practically dead and I could only nurse out enough life to call my parents and say "IM STUCK ON THE FREEWAY HELP OH GOD." So I sat in the hot sun in my black car with black leather interior for like a half hour until highway patrol and a tow truck showed up, then dropped me off at some street in Burbank. Triple A called me and said they would be there within a half hour, so an hour later they show up while I'm almost dead of heat stroke, and they say they only cover me to be towed 7 miles and to fork up 24 bucks for the other 3 miles. Even though they were a half hour late? Fuck them. So then they finally tow my car to the Mitsubishi dealer in Van Nuys who tell me my alternator has died and that it's 617 dollars to replace. I don't have that money, let me tell you what. So I had to make my parents pay for it and I dunno, I think I might sell my car and buy something that doesn't cost as much, anyone wanna buy a 3000gt? So I sat there for 2 hours while they fixed my car because Im not old enough to get a rental, and I finally got home at 5pm after leaving my parents house at 9 in the morning, man did it suck. Anyway, I'm home from Italy now, Ill post pictures later, Comic Con is soon and I am busy busy sewing costumes and also drawing comics. K bye (Comment on this)
Monday, June 26th, 2006
2:08 pm	Whattup It's been almost a year or something. I'm totally in Florence, Italy right now. I am rocking out. Uh...So like. Bananas. Does anyone still use livejournal or what? (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 6th, 2005
10:41 pm	Meh I'm not very happy lately. I'll probably elaborate later. But maybe not. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 1st, 2005
5:26 pm	Meh Somebody goth up my hair and makeup so I can be one of the sexy girls at www.livejournal.com/community/deluxe_dolls or something. I really like the look but I think I'm too stupid to manage it on my own. Also, all these people I haven't talked to in forever have started talking to me lately, it's kind of weird. I've been kind of blue lately for no reason I can figure out. I really don't like it, and I'm having a hard time getting over this particular slump. I seem to have a lot of slumps, lately. This is in no way meant to implicate me as being unhappy with Jason, because I'm not. So, some shit is going on, I think I need to sit down and write myself a private entry to figure out what's bothering me. I at least have an interview at Gamestop on Tuesday, and I'm pretty confident I can get the job, and Fangtooth is still trying to get me a job as a GM at Blizzard but I think that's too much of a commute. (I made friends with one of the guys in charge over at Blizzard...and he hits on me ALL the time. I don't think I would like working with him in close quarters). Jay is at a Nine Inch Nails concert right now. Some girl he's been hanging out with a little lately got him and Johnny and Gary in but couldn't get me a ticket or something. I don't really care, I don't like Nine Inch Nails, but I like hanging out with Jason and it makes me nervous that it seems like she is trying to get alone time with him, even though I'm pretty sure that isn't the case. As much as I deny it, I still am a girl sometimes. I'm just jealous, because the first time he met the girl, he came home all excited because she lit Skinny Puppy, and I said "Oh." And he got all pissed that I didn't have more of a response. And I said "I don't like Skinny Puppy." And he got all quiet and refused to talk to me. I don't know why, I wasn't sure why he wanted me to be excited about it, it's cool and all I guess but he acted like he was saying she lit my favorite band and was pissed when I wasn't cumming all over myself. But how am I supposed to compete with a female lighting designer who can get him into see some of his favorite shows? I can't do that for him. So, he is meeting the lighting designer of NIN tonite and is trying to impress him. He says it's all business, but it doesn't keep me from being jealous, anyway. Maybe because I haven't even met the girl or know what she's like and she is alone with my fiance. It's really dumb of me. So I was blue yesterday and decided to have a drink-in party with myself. And then I hung out on Warcraft after drinking like half a bottle of Goldshlager. Then Jay came home and made me go to the bar, and I had one shot and then fell asleep in the car. I bought a bunch of stuff to make Jay and I dinner for our one year, but he hasn't been home earlier than 11:00 all week, except the one nite when I was sick in bed. So, I am kind of lonely, I want to get out, I still wish I had some friends up here to hang out with, or anywhere for that matter, and again I am pitying myself on the fucking internet. Lynda emailed me on myspace the other day. I think it's finally time I tell her why I stopped talking to her, but it's going to take a few days to figure out exactly what I want to say in my response. I'll probably be a little too honest for her liking. Today, I guess I'm gonna do the dishes, and then sew some of my Leia costume. New neighbors moved in upstairs. I think a bunch of guys my age. They are fucking LOUD and stomp around all the goddamn time, like a circus moved in. The guy next door who always blasted his techno moved out, but now I have a different kind of noise to annoy me. I don't really like living in an apartment. In this apartment. Sometimes I still want to move back home, but I wouldn't be able to get along with my mom. Meh Um. WTF. People just came to my apartment to get some shit. I guess Jay was supposed to call me and tell me they were coming, but he didn't, of course. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 22nd, 2005
9:50 am	Zomg Today is Jay and my one year anniversary. That's a long time for me. I've never dated anyone an entire year before, because I have a short attention span. But I still love him as much and more as the day we met. Woo! Other than that, finding a job is harder than I thought it would be. I need to go to CoC and talk to them about classes. I am very sick right now, I think I will lie down until it's time to do Molten Core. (Feh) Current Music: Arch Enemy - Ravenous (Comment on this)
Monday, August 15th, 2005
9:42 pm	ATTN: Everyone I've fucked over in the past I know I've been posting a lot since I rediscovered Livejournal. But, writing is good. Whether or not anyone reads this, I don't really care, I just like having someplace to write. I'll make my entries private if it's something that doesn't merit sharing. Today, today. This computer is mighty old. I was looking through it, to see what can be purged, and came across a cache of old conversations that I had, for whatever reason, saved. Most of them were entitled "Insert name here, asshole." I have no idea why I would save all of these conversations where (I thought) people were being assholes, like I had to log and document every time someone was being an asshole, for some future probable fight years down the line. "Oh yeah? Well 5 years ago you said THIS to me!" "No I didn't!" "Oh yeah?! I have documented fucking PROOF!" Why the fuck would I want to keep these? So I can read them and be reminded how insane I was? It was like a digital graveland. And almost all of the conversations, I was entirely wrong, selfish, and in most cases, totally a huge fucking skank. I had the most conversations with Jim, from the time he told me he loved me, to the time we broke up, to the time he decided we should have sex. That one I at least understand, considering how much I loved him at one point, but that's a little creepy and fucking stalkerish. I don't remember the circumstances surrounding most of these situations, since I am totally ADD and can't remember anything "important" in my life like these confrontations that were so "life changing" for more than a few months. I had conversations with me and Justin (justinasshole.txt), Zane (zaneasshole.txt), Jason (jasonasshole.txt), and countless others. I had one huge "fight" between Lynda and I, dishing out as much dirt as we had on eachother. I felt kind of bad, reading that one, that I never told her why I stopped talking to her, but to this day I still think it was a good move. These were all 2-4 years old in date. I don't want to sound totally gay and say that deleting these files was symbolic in some way, but I just did, so fuck you. Honestly, I don't know if I was really that insane, or if I just used it as an excuse to act like I was. My mom is always telling me how she doesn't understand how so many boys have fallen in love with me (because my mom is a cunt like that, and loves to put me down, all the time. Luckily, I stopped listening to her a long time ago, because she's a total bitch). But honestly, I don't understand it either. Do guys just like to be treated like shit or something? Or do they just fall in love with the kinda cute, kinda crazy girl who just needs someone to take care of her and maybe show her the right way? What is it about the broken girl that's so appealing? And why won't they LEAVE now that I'm ok? Well, I like to think I'm ok now. I'm sure in a few years I'll do the same thing i'm doing now, look back on myself and say what the FUCK was wrong with me? I think I've matured since then, and I really hope to God I'm right, because...God. There's so much more I could say about myself then, that I just won't. I am glad that I got rid of my old diaries awhile back, though, or you might be reading about me tracing my insanity back all the way to my 2nd grade diaries. So, I apologize to anyone I might have fucked over in the past. I really did love all of you, in my weird fucked up kind of way, I just don't think I was mentally equipped to deal with it at the time. I also apologize to anyone I have blown off recently-It is nothing against you at all. Have you ever had one of those times in your life when it's been REALLY inconvenient to have friends? I know, I'm not busy at all in my life right now, so it seems like it would be the PERFECT time for me to have friends. But, I've been so busy, mentally...I was having such a hard time, floating around, not knowing what to do or which way was forward. But now that I've made a decision, I feel so much BETTER, mentally. Except, you know...I have such a hard time, REMEMBERING things lately. Important things, things I should know. I really wish I knew what was wrong with me, and that I could fix it. Anybody know any good brain excersizes? I am very scared, that I will get Alzheimer's when I am older. Nothing is scarier than the idea that one day I won't remember Jason, or all the other wonderful people in my life. Why hello there tangent. Anyway-And I'm so broke ass POOR. I can't afford to eat, let alone drive anywhere to see my friends. And I've been out of the friends scene for so long, I'm kind of scared of jumping back in. I never really feel completely comfortable around other people, even people I've known forever and ever. I can talk about anything, I have absolutely no fear of people knowing everything about me (maybe I feel like the more insubstantial shit they know, the less I'll have to let them know about the real me, or something else retarded like that. Who the fuck knows. Or maybe, I'm really just that shallow, that people can know me just from what I say). I am rambling now. Rambling is good, it helps me figure out what is really on my mind. Even when I am just thinking, I think like I am writing. Tangents are very interesting to me. Jason says he has no private life because I have such a big mouth and feel like sharing everything with everyone. I don't know if that previous sentence would be crossing the line, too. I have a hard time keeping things to myself, especially things about Jason, because I love him so much and just want to talk about him all the time, good and bad. I've just never felt the impulse to keep things to myself, whether I just wanted attention in my crazy stage or what. I don't think I want attention so much anymore (though a compliment here and there is always nice!), but it's just a habit that has stayed with me. I've always been open, and blunt, and truthful, which is why people talk to me about problems I guess. I really have never had secrets (except the times I was cheating on boyfriends-I will never understand that impulse either! Well, I guess I understand why I did it, but I'm sorry I ever did. The reasons definitely weren't good enough). Having an inner life is weird. Having a life with one person, I can understand...I don't want Jason to stop sharing things with me. But I have a big mouth, like now. I have to say, sanity is much less interesting. I'm kind of glad I'll never be completely stable. My mind has started to slow down now. I don't know if I'm tired, or if this tangent has brought me to a dead end. I made Jason angry at me tonite, and he went to bed mad at me. That is not a nice feeling, but that's ok. I'm not as upset as I might have been in the past, which means I am getting better at dealing with things when they aren't perfect. Some weird guy from GameFAQs that I don't remember is talking to me. He brought up an old picture of mine that has become urban legend. I think, I would regret things more, but I think I am a better person for all the shit I've done in the past. Does that make sense? I am very allergic to my cats, and my eyes itch and my throat burns. I don't like being allergic to my kitties. I am so tired, and most of what I say probably doesn't make sense anymore, if it did to begin with. I thought, for awhile before this, that I should start doing drugs. I thought maybe it would help me see things in a different way and that I could figure out what I should be doing. I think I am glad that I decided not to, though I am still curious. Curious about that, and people, and a lot of things. I think, though, I am happy. I am sad sometimes, but mostly, happy. And content. It is nice to be content, but that inspires laziness. I never want to be too content, I am afraid if I am I will settle down and die. I need something wrong in my life to help me focus, something to fix. Nothing big, just something enough to keep me from letting myself atrophy. I hope I am not one of those crazy hippie ladies when I'm old and gray. I had something astounding and important to say to finish this strange rant, but some kid from the interwebz was talking to me and I lost it. Sucks for you guys! I bet it would have totally changed your lives. (I am not crazy) Alyssa Current Music: Manowar (10 Comments |Comment on this)
11:41 am	Bah Of course, I don't get a response on an internship until I decide to do something else. Life, it is funny to me. I have decided to go back to school. Not CalArts, cuz fuck that, but school. I tried to get into community college this semester but I was too late, so I registered for Fall. Then, I am going to transfer to a real college. Not sure where, maybe NYU if we move to New York, or somewhere else if we stay in California. I have decided that I am going to major in theology. It was always what I wanted to do, I just never pursued it because I wasn't sure what to do with a degree in theology for a job afterwards. But, whatever. I have 7 years to figure that out, right? So, I'm not sure if I should accept this apprenticeship (It's all the way down in Riverside) for the next few months, and work part time, or work full time to try to save up for when I'm going to school again (I still want to do costume stuff too, since I do love it, but most if it I can teach myself. There are a few specialized things though, like leatherworking, and patternmaking, that I'm going to need help on) and work part time, and then try to work part time, go to school, and do the internship in the fall or what. I've overloaded myself before and I know it's not a great choice, but I think keeping myself busy is a good choice for me right now. I just want to make sure I can dedicate myself enough to each to make it worthwhile. What do you think? I've got a couple weeks while I'm in Hawaii to decide about it, and I can talk to Jason and shit, but you know. What do you think? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, August 12th, 2005
11:52 am	Hello. I thought I would update, since casporthos and I were talking about LJ last nite a bit. I wonder if I remembered how to link to a user correctly. If not, blow me. Looks like a bunch of people took me off their friends list in my long hiatus. That's ok. I don't really plan on using this thing, and I don't expect too many people to read this entry. I hardly talk to, let alone hang out, with anybody anymore. There are a few I would be interested to see. But, I have a hard time making phone calls for some reason. I've become really antisocial in recent months. I don't know why I'm talking about that. I'm really just typing whatever comes to mind. It appears I have forgotten how to use a journal. So what's new with me, for those who might care? I dropped out of college for various reasons. I live with my fiance, Jason. I spend almost all of my time with him, but he is in New Jersey right now. I will be here for another week. I hope to call Tina tomorrow, and maybe see a couple other people if I can, but there are not many people (in California) who I give two shits about. Conversely, I do not believe too many people here give 2 shits about me. But, antisocial as I am, I do sometimes miss having people I can hang out with. I didn't make too many friends at CalArts. It is a catch 22, of sorts. OR IS IT. So, instead of college...What am I going to do? What I really want to do is be an artisan...a craftsman. I think. Being a designer is too impersonal. I want to be hands on, to preserve an ancient craft, cuz when technology crashes it's going to be the people who preserved the old ways who make the money. I want to be a leatherworker, or armorer, or prosthetics lady. But, prostethics people are all out of business because of CG, so that sucks. The other 2 I'm having a hard time finding-I want an apprenticeship, cuz if you are gonna learn an old craft you might as well learn it in the old way, OH AND I HATE SCHOOL. I tried to join the SCA but they are less than helpful at responding to me AS ARE MOST OF YOU REN FAIRE BALLSACKS. I need a job, too, since I'd be apprenticing for free. I tried to get a job at Blizzard since I play inhumane amounts of World of Warcraft. I met one of the dudes at Comic Con, but I can't get into my yahoo mail to see if he responded because my dad has retarded settings that won't let me log in for the life of me. I don't think I'm qualified to work there anyway, and the more I think about it the more it is probably an unhealthy choice for one with an addictive personality like me. INDEED. So, when I get home from Hawaii (I'm going to Hawaii next week with my parents and Jay) I am going to find a job. Chris suggested bartending school, and I thought I was too young, but Jay says you have to be 18 to get your ADD or whatever the bartending license is called (acronyms are for noobs). So, I am considering, seriously, going to bartending school. As it was pointed out to me, it's a night job, I can make good money, and do whatever I want during the day. (I just have to decide what it is I want to do. Fuck, I don't know, and it's been bothering me for a long time now, and I don't want to be like self pitying or anything like that, but I really don't know how to find out what I want to do. Balls). I bought a new website, game-slut.com. I'm going to make it into a webcomic when I stop being so lazy. Speaking of comics, I think I am going to seriously start working on Mark and mine when I get home. If I could do that for a living, I would never be thinking about any of this other shit, but I'm not that stupid. I know I probably can't, at least not for a long while. Comic Con wasn't as cool this year. I didn't get nearly as much free shit because people can tell I'm not going to sleep with them. =O Oh Jason, you have made me a much better person. I think, really, Jay has done good things for me. I love him a whole lot. I am sad, a bit, about a few of the friends I have lost along the way due to various situations related to him, but they are just casualities of war, I suppose. I stopped talking to Clay, for good, and that is very strange for me. But, at least I can be fairly certain now that none of my friends will try to sleep with me or will take advantage of me if I was ever intoxicated or anything along those lines. My friends now have all been trimmed to those I can trust and who are important friends to have. Maybe I'll trim down my LJ friends list, but I don't know why, since I don't read it ever. Life is dumb. Everyone respect my marriage! Speaking of my marriage, I think we have pretty much decided to get married in Vegas, at treasure island, on the boat. It will be awesome. Most of you aren't invited, because I can't afford it. I AM SO POOR, AND I WISH TO BUY THINGS. Anyway, I guess that's all that is going on. I thought about joining the police academy, but I'm too young. That is probably for the best CHEERS Current Mood: chipper (11 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
2:32 pm	I think I would rather be a comic book artist than a costume designer. (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, February 14th, 2005
2:07 am	Mother fucker All I want is a Goddamned sewing machine that fucking works. I have 2 that don't, I just wish my mom would stop being a cunt and give me hers. She never uses it, I'm a fucking costume major, give me the goddamned machine. I'm so fucking annoyed with fucking with this piece of shit that I've got. I just want something to work right, once, ever. Fuck. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 18th, 2004
4:18 am	Come meet my fiance Rocky went pretty well. Only a couple people seemed to give Jay guff. I was kind of surprised by the reactions I got, who was excited to see me were not who I expected and the ones who could have cared less were the ones I most wanted to see. Oh well. Anyway. Tomorrow at my house at about 4 or 5 we are doing a turkey dinner thing. Come meet the fiance. Some of my family will be here, but who cares. 4966 Lassen Dr Oceanside 92056 for those of you who don't have the addy, I'll be calling a few of you tomorrow, I'd like especially matt, Ben, Danika, Tina, Jim and a few others to attend. I also saw Katie and Joyce tonite. That was weird. Ok, goodnite. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 12th, 2004
7:40 pm	I'm coming down this Friday with Jay. The 17th, we will be at Rocky. I will be as a paying customer because I want to sit with him and enjoy the show, and because I don't think it's fair for me to get cast benefits when I can't be an active participant. The 18th I am gonna do an early turkey dinner thing since I missed Thanksgiving at my place, and any and everyone is more than welcome to come over and eat food and meet my fiance. The 21st we are leaving for Jersey for 3 weeks. That's such a long time. >.o I broke my foot and missed some class which sucks because I'm on academic warning and can't miss class. Wednesday is my review. My last class is tomorrow, I gotta try and go so I'm trying to find out if there is anything due but I can't find my phone so I have to resort to the internet. Bah. Saw my parents for breakfast today. Gotta meet with Martha and find out what classes I can take next semester. Ive been really tired all the time and Im getting chubby and I don;t like it. I havent seen anyone but Jay and James for a couple weeks now and Im starting to go nuts. Thats all. Current Mood: tired (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
1:02 am	-_- Current Mood: depressed (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 11th, 2004
8:20 pm	I love Jason, but sometimes that boy really makes me feel like a horrible person. I want to die. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Cold - Stupid Girl (12 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, November 8th, 2004
1:40 pm	o.o I wanted to get down to SD in time for Rocky. But, Jay's rehearsal went til 10:30 instead of 9:00. Even 9:00 would have been pushin' it. Oh well, next time. We didn't end up leaving til like 1:00 in the morning. I think I am going to leave cast and just start paying for the shows I can make it to-It's not fair to stay in cast when I can't really be a part of it like I want to. I don't want to do anything I can't do well or do right. We went down there, my dad fucked up the times for the show like always and we missed the first half hour or 45 minutes, but all in all it was still a great show. I can't believe they made Dirty Rotten Scoundrels into a musical. Jason and I have had a good few days, a great few days. I talked to Martha, I get to make up my production and most of my classes EXCEPT costume techniques I. Which sucks, because I've been working really hard on the project. Oh well. I have to retake it first semester next year, but I'll be ready then. Hopefully she will have the same project. On the way back from the show we got rear-ended, then right accross the street someone was watching OUR accident and caused ANOTHER accident, then one guy tried to flee from the scene and U-turned causing a THIRD accident. So all the cops and fire ambulances came down and I got some good research for my comic, we spent 5 hours in the hospital getting our shit checked, Jason put me down as his spouse and it was really cute. Anyway...My parents said we can get married the summer after he graduates, which is in a year and a half. At least we got them down from 4 years. Jay wants his friend Fifi to do it while we are in Jersey. We'll see. I have to go to class, now. I'm sick again, and sore from the accident, and I think I had another miscarriage and Jay put it in my butt so now I hurt, bye. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004
8:21 pm	-_- Jason got angry when he read that Johnny is gorgeous. He didn't bother to read the rest of the entry where I sang his praise. He thinks that being in love means you don't notice anyone else, that the whole world disappears. Yeah, I guess that's true, and I /DON'T/ look at Johnny. I'm not just saying that to cover my ass, since he'll never read this, but Jason is all I want. I can't convince him of this, though, with good reason...Apparently, like all of his girlfriends have cheated on him so he expected me to, also. I didn't expect to. But...I guess I /DID/ have sex with some guy at the Halloween party. In the middle of the main gallery, and Jason saw. I DON'T FUCKING REMEMBER IT AT ALL. I'd like to think that Jason is making it up, but I know he isn't. I remember some guy asking me to dance and me telling him to fuck off, and then after that...nothing until I woke up in detox and had no idea how I got there. I think I'm going to go get retested for diseases since I have no idea who the fuck this guy was or what did or didn't happen. All I know is I fucked up seriously bad and I just want to fucking die. I love Jay so much and then I went and did a thing like that. I thought love was stronger than alcohol but I guess I'm fucking retarded. He didn't want to tell me that we had sex since I seemed so upset about it, and I wouldn't have known anything happened if he hadn't told me. He got really upset at me last nite about my livejournal post, I think he really blows a lot of little things out of proportion sometimes but I guess it's understandable. He threatened to drop all my shit off at the dorms and I had no idea why, and then we got in another fight that lasted til about 5 in the morning, with both of us threatening to kill ourselves and both of us probably would have if the other hadn't intervened. It was another really terrible nite, we went home together and woke up together, though. I missed collab art again because we didn't get home til like 6 in the morning and class was at 9, but I did make it to my meeting with the head of character animation. He didn't look at any of my art or my story and I didn't show it to him, but he showed me some classes that would be helpful. However, I am now on academic probation, which means I'll get kicked out of school if I don't get my shit together. So, the rest of this semester is going to spent kissing ass and doing double time, I have to try to make an appointment with Martha in the morning to tell her what has been going on and to see if she will let me fix things. -_- I dunno, but Jay has been in the same situation and said that it could be done, but I'll probably need to retake some classes. Sigh. That's what happens when you are nuts. when I go home this weekend, I have to pick up my zoloft. And, on top of that, my period is late again even though I'm on the pill and it's probably just stress but I always associate it with pregnancy anyway and life is awesome. I gave Al my ticket to Cannibal Corpse, Kataklysm, Goatwhore and Napalm Death tomorrow. I wanted to go, but didn't want to drive down by myself and I don't have the time, I have to go see Rite of Spring so I can type up a paper for the theatre class. Fuck. Current Mood: depressed (2 Comments |Comment on this)
1:07 am	Hey. How's it going? Been awhile since I've posted. Hey, I'm still alive. Um...recently...I've missed a lot of class, I've been having extremely bad depression and I am going to pick up my medication from home this weekend. Jason, Johnny, and I drove up to Vegas for LDI. I am trying really hard to learn about lighting because if I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him then I should know about what he does. Anyway, the first day we got there this guy tried to touch me and Jay got all mad. So, I haven't really mentioned Johnny yet, but it is crucial to this much edited version of my story...Johnny is this guy, another lighting designer, who is FUCKING GORGEOUS. He is, physically, everything I want in a guy. Being who I am and considering my last relationship, I'm used to being extremely flirty. So, since I knew Johnny is a good guy, and would never do anything with me, I think I thought it was ok to flirt with him. (I don't know exactly what I was thinking during this whole episode other than it was the wrong thing to be thinking and I wish I could change it). I was also pretty pissed at Jay for something that had happened a few days earlier, we were at Shooters (A dive bar/pool hall that we go to sometimes) and our friend James was there complaining about how he needs to get laid, and Jay said "Just tell the girl you're gonna marry her, then she'll sleep with you all the time." I was less than pleased and was pretty pissed at him for the next few days, and I'm not one to get my feelings hurt easily. But, it really hurts to think that someone you love so much could be using you just for sex. I know it's not the case, but anyway. I digress. I told you that story to tell you this story. So, we were at LDI, which was pretty much a giant rave (it's a big lighting convention), and oh man, if comic con is bad for a chick then a lighting convention is even worse. The ratio of male to females in the industry is about the same as females to males in the costume industry-LOW. So the fact that I was at one, there were all kinds of creepy guys talking to me even though Jason was there. :( but we ganked lots of gaff tape so that was fun. =3 Anyway, so I had been sending Johnny flirty text messages for a couple of days, and I guess Johnny, even though he is a great person of strong morals and convictions, was having a hard time resisting me, even though, I was just joking around. I think I was joking. If it came down to it, I couldn't have cheated on Jay, but I never thought that I would have to make that decision. Anyway, Johnny was feeling guilty about not doing a very good job resisting me, and showed Jay one of the text messages I sent. Jay, in turn, got 12 kinds of pissed, and drank about 10 shots whisky at a bar while I was in the hotel. He came back later, drunk off his ASS, and I had to basically babysit him for 4 or 5 hours until he went to bed. Oh, Gary and Mikey were there at this point, too. He kept locking himself in the bathroom and tried to kill himself with a hairdryer in the shower, I had to practically bust down the door to get him to stop, he kept trying to leave me saying I would be happier if he was out of the way and that I could be with Johnny, I cried for a good 3 hours or so, seriously cried, I got down on my knees and begged him to stay with me, he kept trying to leave and go back to the MGM to drink more, apparently he had caused a bunch of problems downstairs and security got all uppity. Ah, Jay just read that I think Johnny is cute and he stormed out again, dammit. But that's what happened, and I can honestly say I haven't looked twice at him since then. I think he is cool as a friend, but not relationship material. And, of course, Jay is...everything I want relationship wise. Except for, you know, drinking a bit too much. And he's cute as hell too, I'll try to post a picture of us later. We are coming down Friday nite, but not in time for Rocky, which is too bad since things have probably calmed down by now. Oh well, another time. Anyway...so that was probably the worst nite of my life and I really regret everything that happened, I don't think I've ever wanted to die more and Jay is still kind of pissed at me about it but he's trying not to be a dick about it because he loves me and I love him. So...I dunno. He was worried about Johnny to begin with and I'm really pissed at myself for doing exactly what he thought I would do. Well, I didn't physically do anything with him but in words I guess. Though I never would have done anything sexually with him. Gah. Anyway, Jay was producing the Halloween party and we spent a lot of time there doing that, I got to play with a light board which was kind of fun. Then at the actual Halloween party Jay got mad at me again because I was hanging out with a couple of guys and I guess I showed my ass to them or something and he saw and got mad at me again. Eventually he said he was just overracting but I don't know if he actually believes that. So, I was feeling like shit and drank way way way way too much, and ended up getting sent to the school detox. I guess while I was drunk (and this I don't remember at ALL so I must have been completely out of it at this point) I got with some guy. I don't think we had sex because I would have known the next day, but I guess Jay saw that too and got really upset. I wish I knew what happened and that made me feel worse than anything, because I thought love was stronger than alcohol but I'm not really an experienced drinker and it gets me in trouble more often than not. I know some guy asked me to dance and I told him to fuck off, but I couldn't make it outside without help...I wonder if it was him? I dunno, Jay left to go find my viking hat because it fell off sometime and I guess no one was taking care of me so I wandered off on my own. Eventually he found me passed out in the ladies bathroom and carried me to detox where I slept it off. I'm glad he takes care of me. I love him. I hate alcohol. I don't think I want to drink anymore. I wish I was a better person. I keep fucking things up and this is the one relationship I really don't want to fuck up. He put a down payment on an engagement ring. Aw. :D He's so cute. Tomorrow I have a meeting with head of character animation to point me in the right direction of some other classes that'll help me in comics. So, we will see how that goes. Oh, I dunno if I mentioned Clay driving up here to see me. That was weird. I'm gonna go find Jay. I think I upset him again. -_- I hate myself. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 11th, 2004
3:16 pm	Hm. So, we went down to San Diego. Jason was all kinds of nervous, he started on the patch so he wouldn't smoke around my parents. So, he was nervous and buggy on the drive down there, but it wasn't too bad. We got down there after about 3 hours, and he met my parents...They brought up the marriage thing pretty quickly, even though Jay wanted to wait til they knew him better before he asked them, but can't always get what you want. He basically told them that he fell head over heels in love with me and that he just wanted to take care of me and how he had a good job and career and his own place and was going to school etc etc and how he was sorry for asking me before he met them but he got caught up in the moment, and he just really wanted my father's approval. The fact that he went down there was much appreciated by both of my parents and they both liked him a lot. They said that he doesn't get their approval right away, that they want us to date for awhile and get in a couple of big fights so we can learn how to make up, but that they had no problem with us being engaged. I'm supposed to call his parents and talk to them today, and during Christmas break I'm flying out there to meet them. It's going to be coooold, eee! I've talked to Jay's goomba Kevin, but still need to talk to his cousin Lizzy. Um...Saturday we went down to San Diego because he'd never seen the city, went and saw Seaport Village and Old Town, also a cool chalk art thing that was going down. Jay is retarded and sat down in my dad's car with a pair of scissors in his back pocket and fucked up the leather, haha. Oh well, he had to do something stupid while he was there. He also met Mike, which is good. We didn't go to Rocky as much as I wanted to, we are supposed to go down there again on the 6th because they made Dirty Rotten Scoundrels into a musical with John Lithgow and my dad bought 4 tickets. So, I guess it would probably be ok to take him down there when everyone has cooled down a little bit. Geoff left a message on my phone on Saturday morning saying that he was sorry for being a dick and that he was happy for me, and that we were still best friends. I wanted to see him, but he had to work, so. I'm glad that Geoff is ok with it, since Geoff and I are ok I don't see why there should be any reason for people to still be pissed, but I know they will be anyway. Oh well, we are at least trying not to be as impetious and to make everyone else happy, too. So...Clay is coming up tomorrow, I guess. I need to go do my production, but Jake has my car keys still, and Jay is at work. I wanted Jake to come pick me up but forgot that my phone is dead, so I couldn't call him. Fuck. Jay will be back in a couple of hours, though. I guess I'm moving in with him today, which is kind of weird. I've never lived with anyone before. But, we want to live together before we get married to make sure we can stand eachother-We are making an attempt to do things right. -_- Jason found a confidental marriage liscence, but yeah. I guess we are making a couple of calls today...and then moving my shit in tonite. I have a couple homeworky things to do tonite, and then the rest of this week is going to be spent in the shop. Good times...Ok, I'm going to go eat. Current Mood: awake (6 Comments |Comment on this)